Posted in Uncategorized

Swept up in a lie!!

I was approached by a lady at work the other day.  She completely bee-lined for me, like she knew me.

She came at me with an ‘eye on the prize’ look in her eye.  She wanted to speak with me and nothing was going to stop her.

‘Hi’ I said to her before she had the chance to speak to me.  I wanted control of this conversation so I needed to get in first.

‘Well don’t you have a lovely voice’ she complimented me.

Puffing my chest out and feeling mighty impressed with this statement, I returned with ‘I like to think so’.

This is where I expected the conversation to turn to something work related.  However, I was mistaken and this is the point that I officially became a liar.

In my defense I would like to say that I simply got carried away and swept up in the moment of it all.

Her response was ‘You did so well at the local quartet the other night, just wonderful’

Me – ‘Thank you’

little-girl-singing-vector-cartoon-illustration_XJoCib_L

Lady (aka Fan of mine) – ‘I bet is was hard to hear yourself over everyone else?’

Me (aka Super Star) – ‘yes it was!’. This is when panic started to set in….

Lady – ‘Well you did really well….(something else something else)’….couldn’t make out what she said because I had gone into panic about the fact that I was not who she thought I was and I had gone too far in this lie to come back from.

I had to get out of there.  What to do, what to do?

Hand pointingPoint at someone and say ‘Oh look they are calling me, I’ll just go see what they want’….

Then as any top grade star would do….

I exited Stage Right 🙂

Posted in Let me share

A Letter to the car load of young men that yelled out the window to the fat lady walking along the street – ME

Dear young, immature and rude men,

Before we start, I would like to let you know that I am not one to usually shy away from attention.  I love a good laugh, love to make other people laugh and enjoy the company of friends and family.  If there is a party, I’ll be there.  I love to host bbq’s and pizza nights at home and  really enjoy sitting back and chatting with our guests after the cooking has been done.

Do you have a home that you have worked hard for or are you still living with the parents on a single bed with posters still on your walls?


I am community minded and strongly involved in my children’s sport.  Spending a lot of my spare time at the sports club coaching, fundraising, event planning and helping in any way that I can.

What have you done this week to help in the community?


I also have a job that at times can be stressful and puts me on the receiving end of verbal abuse that has allowed me to become resilient and taught me skills in people handing.  Did I mention I have held the same job for almost 22 years?

Do you work?  


Once that job is finished, it’s time to kick into Mum mode and make sure the shopping is done, tea is cooked and everyone is where they need to be on time.  THEN pick them up and head home for bedtime.

Are you accountable to anyone other than yourself or does Mum still wash your clothes and cook for you?


Not only do I cram all of the above into my week, I also run my own business that has me sitting at the computer each night, tapping away at the keyboard, responding to emails and working my arse off to try get some extra money for my family.

Can you imagine that?  Two paying jobs and then also volunteering!


That brings me to my weight.  There is no denying that I am overweight.  Never argued with that. However, I have made the conscious decision to change that.  I have dedicated myself to taking time out of my busy days and getting out there and walking.  If we are early for an appointment, I will get out and walk around the block.  I take my sneakers to work and head out in my lunch break.  I get up early and go for a walk.  I park at the shops and walk 20 minutes to the club.  Drop one kid off, pick the other up and walk back to car.

You probably don’t remember the time our paths crossed not so long ago.  In fact I can guarantee you most likely forgot about our meeting less that 500 meters down the road. But it has stuck with me all week.  Played on my mind and now makes me angry.  Walking with my daughter, your head hanging out the car window and you yelling out to me, laughing and your mates cracking up in the back!!  My daughter didn’t see or hear and luckily because of traffic noise I couldn’t hear it all either.  Because of this I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you were yelling out ‘Hey Lady, good job.  Keep it up!!’  or ‘Hey Lady.  You are doing amazing.  So proud of you!!’

Never assume by looking at someone that they are lazy and no good.  I can feel happy in myself knowing that I am by far, based on your actions, a nicer person than you.  You don’t have to physically hit or knock someone to hurt them.  Words can can just as deep.

I am committed to getting fitter and healthier and I WILL NOT let shitty little men like yourself knock me down.  Maybe think twice before you allow your mouth to spit out hurtful words to people you know nothing about.

Yours sincerely

The active Lady you saw walking down the street.

Posted in Can you Relate?

We have all been there Mate!!

Driving to work this morning, cruising with the window down, wind in my hair and the beats pumping, there was a car parked on the side of the road that caught my eye.

Poor guy in his fluro orange vest was bending over on the side of the road ‘chucking his guts up’ ‘Ralphing’ ‘Barfing’ or for those not up to date with the urban dictionary of slang….VOMITING.

Waiting in the car was the driver who weirdly was sitting with one hand on the steering wheel watching his mate – weird….maybe….taking the piss out of his mate….highly likely!!

Poor guy must have had a big weekend but still had the guts (although he was throwing it up) to head to work.

So after having a chuckle to myself as I was driving past, it made me remember a time….oh to recently….that I was in the same shape.  Although for the record, I was not wearing a fluro orange vest!!

It was a Saturday night and I was at a cousins engagement party.  One drink and another and another and another!!  The husband (or prison warden is what seemed more appropriate to me at that particular time) was reminding me that we had to leave as we had to be out early for Mother’s Day breakfast the next morning.

Getting all ‘tough and stuff’ I opted for the old ‘One Last Drink’ trick!!

Now don’t get me wrong and don’t make assumptions, I was by no means ‘out of control’ or ‘on my ear’ I was happy and chatty and VERY hungry.  So imagine the 2 year old tantrum I threw when The Prison Warden wouldn’t stop for a cheese burger.

Once we were home, it was straight to bed ready to wake up for a yummy breakfast…..

Birds chirping, sun shining and soft music playing….ok not really.  There was no music.  As this was Mother’s Day we had planned to head to the hills for a glorious breakfast with hubby’s mum and sisters family.  I got out of bed, showered, did my hair and make-up (paused for a moment, took a good hard look at myself in the mirror and told myself to ‘suck it up….you got this!!’) drunk a shit load of water – not enough that I would need a toilet stop….public toilets BLURGH that a whole new blog post and off we went.

Stupidly forgetting the cheese burger episode last night, I sat back and agreed with my thoughts that this would be a piece of cake drive.  Might even be able to nod of for half and hour before we get there.

Oh no no no!!!!  Silly silly girl.  The husband (Prison Warden) was not a happy chappy to say the least.  My time spent in the morning getting all pretty allowed him an opportunity to plot his revenge….Mwah ha ha ha ha….

insertevillaugh-here

After stopping to pick up the Mother-in-law we started out journey….but in the opposite direction that I would have gone should I have been driving.  With the Mother-in-law in the back, we were headed for the hills!!

The hilly hills.

The windy curvy roads that take you to the hills!!

I started to feel a bit unwell….and the squirming in the seat started.  I kept telling myself –

‘You got this’

‘Don’t let him win’

‘Remember this for future reference’

Then it happened.  You know that feeling you get when you know it’s coming.  That build up and there is no going back.   Yup – We have all been there Mate.

Telling hubby he needs to pull over, I swung that door open as soon as we stopped.  Automatically thinking that the back side of the car was the most appropriate spot to (this bit took me a while to write, with alot of time spent with the Thesaurus trying to find a nicer word to use….I got nothing!) vomit, spew, ralph, purge and barf.  Take your pick.

Doing the old ‘sigh’ at the relief of feeling better it was all out.  I stood up….took a nice deep inhale of the country air….and there she was.  I just did my business less that 30cm from the window where my Mother-in-Law was sitting on the other side.

A polite little smile and it was back in the car for me.  Thinking that was it, I settled in ready for breakfast….until round two hit….

After round two I was back in the game and secured my spot at the table with an amazing service of eggs benedict!!

Mmmmm Eggs Benedict!!!!

 

Posted in Can you Relate?, Uncategorized

If it happened to me….it could happen to you.

It’s a very cliche thing to say.  We have all heard it before but I need to stress to you all that this is something that CAN happen and will LIKELY happen.  There is no escaping it.  You can mask it and band-aid it but there is no stopping it.

I remember it like it was yesterday (ok….it actually was Thursday).

I woke from a solid night sleep.  It was cold but not windy like it had been the previous day.  It was just like any other Thursday.  Get up, shower, hair, make-up, get the kids ready for school and head off to work.

However it was not to be a normal day with that normal routine.  The universe had other ideas for me.

I had showered, kids were up and it was time to dry my hair.  Sitting in the ensuite I went into automatic pilot.  Start with the left side of the hair and finish on the right side.  Ready to start my make-up and something caught my eye.

There was fluff on my head.  Easy.  Reach up and pick it out.  So Easy.  I couldn’t quite get it, so I lean forward to the mirror for a closer look.

animated WTF

That ain’t no piece of fluff.  That’s a Muther Fucking Grey Hair.8842c4ff29799197ff2ae8b2866bf8c7

I grabbed that hair with all my might and pulled.  And Pulled.  And Pulled.

Nope didn’t come out.  The shitty little thing (1.5 inches at the most!!) curled up.

Everything stopped.  All priorities on hold.  Don’t care if kids late for school.  Don’t care if I’m late for work.  That hair was coming out and it was coming out before I did anything else that day.

Finally managed to grasp it between my fingers.  I needed tweezers, but I was not letting go of that hair for anything.  Picture this….

One hand with my fingers tightly clasped on this inch and a half grey hair, one hand holding my towel on and me running around the house looking for a pair of tweezers and of course….Someone has moved my tweezers.  WTF

Tweezers found and back in the bathroom, I ripped that grey hair out like I was that knight dude that pulled the sword from the stone.  I swear I even heard music!!

I don’t know what it was or why it happened but suddenly finding this grey hair made me turn all Gangster.

Here is the text conversation to my hubby following this discovery

Me – ‘I just pulled a Mother Fucking grey hair from the top of my head.  What the fuck is that about?’

Hubby – ‘You’re Old’

Me….seeing red…putting my baggy oversized black pants on and pulling them down so you could see the top of my undies….throwing on an oversize t-shirt and with my baseball hat on backwards, I responded in tough guy fashion with the following..

‘You’re Mumma Old’  Wait for it.  This was followed with ‘11 Boom’  Whoa scary shit.  Who was this person that I had become after this grizzly find.  To make matters even worse….once sent I even did the….

images.

Lesson to be learnt here – Don’t mess with a woman who just found a grey hair!!

And ‘You’re Mumma’ one liners strangely make you sound tougher than you really are.

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Run Kelly Run!!!!

Such a relaxed and calm morning.  Husband was at work.  Eldest daughter had woke and shut the bedroom door so I couldn’t hear the TV and could get a bit of a sleep in after a week of not feeling well.  Youngest daughter was sleeping over a friends house.

Fast forward two hours and I am running across a rugby field or oval or court (what ever the hell it is called) while both teams are running on behind me and the crowd is cheering.

I know what you are thinking….’how on earth did this happen?’.

Well as Saturday is dancing day, I had to pick the youngest up from a local rugby club as the family that she was staying with had an early game and she has dancing.  So I got out of bed….looking like I had just stepped out of a beauty salon.  All gorgeous and with no messed up hair and no panda eyes because I didn’t wash my make-up off last night.

Ok ok I was a mess.  69745e7117f97d292e50172d134269ec

Jumped in the shower, got dressed, tossed back an Up & Go (cause that’s how I roll on Saturday morning).

Time to head down to get the girl.

My eldest and I (having never set foot at a Rugby game before) managed to find my youngest and her friend and mum.  After a few words we said our goodbyes and we were pointed in the direction of the car so that we could get her bag and pillow.  As there was no one on the ‘Oval’ the Mum said ‘Oh you will be fine to cross the oval – the players aren’t out yet so quickly head over’.

So I grabbed all three girls – my two and the friend – and we started strolling across the oval – in front of thousands of spectators …. Ok maybe there was 100…

Next minute, like I was in Africa, the ground started to move, the crowd started to cheer and as I slowing turned my head to look behind me I saw a herd of elephants stampeding my way.

In a very unselfish and hero move, I called out ‘RUN’ to the kids, only to realise that they were already at the end of the oval.  With the kids safe, I knew I had to think only of myself.  It was me and me alone in the situation and my quick thinking had to kick in.  With the herd getting closer I placed one hand on my backside to keep my walkie talkie (Alright smarty it was my phone but if I was in Africa I would have a walkie talkie) in my pocket, cause there was no way if they fell out that I was doubling back for it.  I was in fear of my life as 30 grown beefed up men (they were really 12 year old boys and girls) were hunting me down like I was the first meal they would have had in two days.

The other hand and forearm was place firmly across my boobs, cause those babies don’t stay put like they did 20 years ago.  If they were not placed in a secure hold it would be black eyes at Mother’s Day breakfast tomorrow….and this is NO exaggeration!!!!

Purse tucked under my arm, I had to kick things up a gear and run like I was Forrest Gump.  Run like my life depended on it!!!!  In my head everything slowed down….I was running in slow motion.  Looking back and screaming to myself ‘Nooooooooo’ in a really drawn out dramatic deep voice.  I kept running.  I could feel the crowd watching on and I could feel their anticipation and concern.  Their thoughts ‘will she make it’ and ‘run lady run’.   Each step I took made the end feel further away.

Finally I made it.  I reached the car park.  I slowly turned around to make sure the crowd knew I was okay….You know that sound when the needle on the turn table of a record player screeches when it slips.  Imagine that sound now.  I turned around to show I was okay….and NO ONE CARED!!!!  Game had started!!!!  I was running for my life and no one was concerned.  I look back to the girls to comfort them and let them know it was all okay….They almost had tears in their eyes.  To my disgust they were not tears of worry and fear….they thought it was hilarious.

Get back to the car and catch my breath.  Pull out my phone to see a message from the other Mum….’Run Kel Run’!!!!

 

Posted in Uncategorized

My trip to the store with Hubby….SUCKED!!!!

Pick the mistake in one of the following statements….

‘Let’s have pizza in the new pizza oven’ He Said.

‘Let’s write a shopping list’ He Said.

‘Let’s work out what we have so we don’t buy what we don’t need’ He Said

‘Let’s go to the shops together’ I said

BINGO BAM BOOM AND YEEEE HAAAA

You got it!!!!  ‘Let’s go shopping together’!!!!  That was the mistake….and it was mine!!!!

So we rock up to the shops with one child in tow, grab a trolley and in we go.

He picks up our little darling and puts her in the trolley.  Our little darling is 8 and the trolley is one of those half trolley’s that a not as deep as the standard trolleys, so the is not a lot of room left for groceries.

Hubby pulls out his list and goes straight to the fridge section.  I then had to try and explain to help to correct method of shopping.  Fridge and freezer items go in last as they then will be in the trolley less time, thus alleviating the chance of them thawing out.  We head down to the toilet paper section.  I was lagging behind and rounded the corner to find big child sitting in small trolley with hubby trying to jam the biggest pack of toilet rolls he cold find under the trolley.  Realising the error in his judgement he tells child to stand, puts the toilet paper in the trolley then tells child to sit.  Without a second thought, he the kicks into gear and speeds off with the trolley, rests all his body weight into his arms and goes skidding down the isle while child is giggling and cackling away, stopping only to basketball slam dunk a packet of paper town into the trolley.  Score!!!!

As the shops had just opened, there were not many people around, but the people that were there, could feel my pain.  There was a ‘I know dear….I know’ look from the older lady, who was lucky enough to witness the Harlem Globe Trotter NBA shoot and score shot.  Then there was the ‘I leave my husband home’ comment from the lady at the deli counter, who had obviously seen my frustration when I had to keep calling out to my husband to ask exactly what he wanted, while there were at least 8 other people just standing there waiting for their turns.

But the absolute worse part of that shopping trip was the cereal isle!!!!  This isle was busy.  There were trolley’s positioned facing both ways so it was impossible to get through.  We hung back for a few seconds, with hubby standing behind me.  Out of my darling groom’s mouth comes ‘Gee you have lot dandruff on your shoulder!!!!’ while brushing off my shoulder.  Yes we did get some looks from the 6 or so people within arms distance.  I looked at him with my ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS’ look.  So I decided to play that game.  Just as we walked past the first trolley, I say ‘Gee your breathe smells, did you brush?  I think you might have Halitosis’ and yes I did get the desired response with the same people looking over.  In my eyes I was the winner and totally taught him a lesson.  UNTIL….’OH YOUR FARTED’ was his response.  Game Set and Match.

Love my hubby to bits but it will be another 12 months at least before I invite him grocery shopping again.

Posted in Can you Relate?

The Blokes Guide to Dealing with THAT TIME OF THE MONTH – Written by a Woman (so that means it’s right)

So….You live with a woman.   I’m pretty sure then that you would have noticed some changes that occur once a month.  If you haven’t then you obviously are a complete MORON and do not even deserve the education that is about to be displayed and presented to you on your screen.

It takes a very brave man to use the phrase ‘THAT TIME OF THE MONTH’ to any woman in a conversation.  Regardless of if it IS actually ‘that time of month’, for you to even draw breath to say these words, you clearly are not that attached to your beloved balls.  You may as well just stand there waving a red flag!!!!

red flag

I am wanting to give you a few tips to make that week easy and smooth sailing.  So grab a note pad and pen and lets get started.

1. If the lovely woman in your life gets snappy at you,  do no not bring this to her attention.  She knows she is snappy.  Trust me.  And she feels just terrible about it.  Sometimes words come out her mouth that she would not normally say.  It just happens.  Do not puff your chest out, get all tough and say  ‘You can control what comes out of your mouth’.  OH DEAR….BIG MISTAKE.  Do you know what reaction she is likely to have to this….and are you prepared for it?

pms

2. Pretending to hear what she is saying, while you are actually listening to the TV will only get you in trouble.  Times like these she will want some attention and with emotions flying all over the place sometimes she just wants to talk.  If you don’t hear, ask her to repeat it.  DO NOT JUST AGREE AND NOD.  This will not work for you and will only end in tears….or broken furniture.  (Actually this is a rule to be in force ALL THE TIME)  Try it guys.  We have all had the ‘You never told me that’ arguments when it actually comes back to YOU….YES YOU….just mumbling a YES every now and then when she is talking.  Not a smart move guys.

3. Yes she will want attention.  Maybe a cuddle or as I mention above just some conversation.  DO NOT and I REPEAT with a very loud MEGAPHONE….DO NOT crack a joke ending with the words ‘backdoor instead’  This is never funny and never will be.  Even now while you read this I can guarantee your shoulders and bouncing up and down as you try to muffle your school girl giggle because you think it’s funny.  You think it’s funny even though the whole joke was not even told.

megaphone

4.  Stay away from anything containing sugar in the pantry and fridge.  It’s hers.  Regardless of if it has her name on it or not.  Do not sniff it, or even glance at it.  DO NOT even let the thought of having just a little bit creep into your head.  She will know….I promise you….she will know!!!!

5.  Unless it is absolutely life saving important, do not enter into any kind of debate with her.  You will not win….even if you are right.  This week is the best time to put the old ‘pick your battles’ saying, into place.

6.  If you are getting ready to go out and she comes out to you upset because she ‘has nothing to wear’….just….STOP.  DO NOT STATE THE OBVIOUS….of course she has a wardrobe full of clothes.  Help her gather her thoughts.  Try one of the following…..

– How about I get you a glass of wine while you go have another look’.

– ‘What about that blue dress, you look nice in that’….(actually this is risky….nice could be perceived as just ordinary….maybe think of a better word but pick carefully….this is likely to set her off).

These helpful hints will make your life a lot easier over this thing you all so bravely call ‘That Time of The Month’.

Remember to be kind, tread carefully.  Don’t look at her the wrong way and don’t say the wrong thing.

Your balls could depends on it.