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My Parents have moved in ….

So I tried to think of a funny one liner title for this blog but I came blank.  It’s a straight line title this time around.  No beating around the bush with this one!!

It’s only for a week but so far we have had some chuckles.  Some belly laughs and me….some cross your legs so you don’t pee yourself kind of giggles.

Mum and Dad have sold their house and are looking for a new home.  The plan is to live the caravan park life for a while until they fall in love with a place but until they can get into the caravan park they are backpacking with us!!  And by backpacking I mean one sleeping on one of the girls single bed and the other on a foam mattress on the floor.  At least we know there will be no hanky panky with them being on separate beds!!  Ewww Gross!!!!

Having not lived with my parents for 20+ years, I must say it has been a fun yet weird experience so far.

Prime example of weird – let me take you back to when you were a teenager….

Remember when you would sit in the lounge room with your parents and siblings and a kissing scene would come on the TV.  Sometimes even Heavy Petting (OMG funniest term ever – ‘Hey Honey – want to heavy pet?’) and it would be major awkies and honestly man – where do you look?

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Well Monday night Hubby and I were in the front room watching the TV series ‘The Detour’.  It’s a comedy show.  Not a family show but definitely not R rated.  It’s basically about a family of four and their move to NY.  Harmless right.   Mum and Dad were in the next room.

All was going well until they start discussing having another baby (let’s just clarify that we are talking about the TV show here – not my parents –double eww) and they lock the door because their 12 year twins are home and they don’t want to be interrupted.  All going well so far.

Wife and Husband are ready to start doing the deed and the wife starts to ‘Prep’ the husband.  Let’s not go into detail here but lets just say that it was not ‘All hands above the quilt’.

Let’s all just pause for a second and shout a bit HELLO to my Mum and Dad (they will be reading this).

I started to get a bit uncomfortable at this stage by some of the groaning that was going on.  But let me clarify that it wasn’t young 20 year old no kids (and no parents at home) kind of groaning – it was more like – hurry up, I have shit to do and the kids are downstairs kind of groaning’

I’m shooting ‘OMG God’ looks to my husband who is casually playing Candy Crush and every now and then glancing up to the TV with some weird creepy look on his face.

Our Conversation went :-

I whisper ‘Honey.  Turn it down’

Hubby looks at me ‘Nup’

Me ‘Um this is weird and they can hear it – turn it down’

Hubby shakes his head and laughs ‘Nope’

Still on the ‘Prep’ stages on the telly, they start talking some trash talk to get things moving a bit – stuff that didn’t make sense to me.  Something along the lines of ‘on your back like Italy’.  I am horrified at that moment and get the giggles.  Giggles to the point that I cry.

Me to Hubby ‘Please turn it off – this is weird now’

Hubby ‘They know how babies are made’

Next minute the kid on the telly starts knocking on the door of the parents bedroom and the Mum says the husband ‘here’s the cockblocker’ so the kid start running down the hallway acting like a rooster screaming ‘COCKBLOCKER COCKBLOCKER COCKBLOCKER’

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Yep, imagine how relaxed and in the chill zone I was feeling.  Hubby is in hysterics and laughing with tears rolling down.  I’m horrified and worried that Mum and Dad might think we are into some kinky kind of shit and trying to get him to turn it off and the kid on telly is screaming ‘COCKBLOCKER’ still at the top of her lungs.

Managed to get the TV off and headed straight to be, not looking anyone in the eye.

Next morning – like a kid – my Dad says to me at the breakfast table….

‘What were you carrying on about last night’

I am just praying that he was talking about all the laughing!!

 

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Pant like a dog and squirt up the nose – actual instructions.

With Spring comes hayfever for some and in my case it often bring sinus infections.

For those that suffer with these conditions, you will surely feel my pain.  The pressure that builds up in your cheek bones and above the eyes is indescribable.  As if that’s not bad enough, it often presents itself with swollen faceitis (that is my medical term) and headaches and itchy eyes and that horrible itchy feeling in the back of your throat that if you are not tuned into where you are and who can see you, you may end up pulling the weirdest faces as you try – with your tongue (as if thats ever gonna work) to scratch the back of your throat and so on and on and on.  It’s basically pretty shitty.

SO….after three or four days of these symptons I decided enough was enough.  I did what anyone else would do when they are looking for a remedy or answer to a problem – I took to my social media and put it out to the people.

There were suggestions of chopped onions by the side of the bed and Vicks on cotton wool in both ears overnight.  Then there was the suggestion of a product called FLO along with a picture of the product.  Winning….made it easy for me, took the old phone to the chemist, open up the Facebook and asked the chemist for that product….right now….STAT….get this shit in my nose!!

I stood there and listened intently as he explained to me how to use the product.  I lost concentration for a short period of time as it dragged on for a little bit….but I was snapped back to present time when he bent over and started to explain that I would need to pant like a dog….weird….but I was keen to stand and watch just how far these instructions would go and to what other position this man would put himself into all in the name of selling me a product that I was already sold on.  To make things worse – the actual product slightly does resemble a penis.  So to sum this all up quickly – the chemist man told me to bend over, pant like a dog all while sticking this penis shape object in my nose and sqeezing….whoa man….I’ve have better days!!

So off I went with my penis shaped nose squirter and headed home.

Just before bed that night I decided to give this a go.  I followed the instructions and did a quick dog panting practice and I was good to go.

Having never squirted anything up my nose before I was unsure of the pressure required.  So it was basically a ready, set and go moment.  No sooner had I bent over, panted and then squirted, did I burst into a coughing fit and (remember I have had two kids)….announced to my husband – omg I think I pee’d myself.  Doing a quick survey of the damage – wondering if it was in fact pee – realising that it had to be because there was no way that the shit I squirted up my nose could have reached my bladder and come out that quickly (no matter how hard I was panting) – I came to the conclusion that it could not be classed as a full blown pee.  Situation was downgraded to a slight case of coughipeetis (another self claimed medical term).  Anyone that has had kids will understand the level of pee that came out.  Imagine trampoline jumping pee- being a woman sucks man!!

Try again – I decided I was too invested in this procedure to back out now so continues.  After a few tries I worked out the angle and pressure required and it worked a treat.  Weird sensation though as it goes in one nostril and out the other.

Done and dusted and breathing much better.  A few hours later I head to the laundry to take some clothes out of the washing machine and as I bent down – a gush of water….not from my lady part but from my schnoz (aka nose).

Fast forward to the next day.  Do the procedure.  Put make up on and do hair.  A few hours later I head to the toilet.  Bend over to pull jeans up and bam – out it comes again.  I’m talking hours after the squirting.  Where the hell in my body am I storing this excess water that only comes out when I bend over.  Kind of gets me excited and gives me ideas for a party trick.  Although Hubby didn’t seem overly excited when I came out to perform the other night a few hours after squirting.  Me – I thought it was hilarious.

Seriously though, if you are suffering from any sinus problems I totally recommend this penis shape nose squirter.  It has totally done the trick for me.

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Punk Arse Scooter Boy – Watch who you mess with!!

So let me set the scene….It was a Monday – a very fucking hot Monday.

The kind of hot that I raise my hands and praise the lord that my mum is a bra fitter and that my boobs are sitting nicely in a well fitted over the shoulder boulder holder.  If it was not for my mother I am sure there would have been underboob sweat.  No one wants underboob sweat, not on a Monday….not on any day.

I had finished my day in the office, bringing peace to the world and sharing my knowledge.  It was home time!!

I bid my farewells to those remaining behind…

The feeling when you place you hand on the door to the outside world, knowing that you are done and dusted for the day is close to the feeling of sex night.  You know, the one night a month that you get your jig on.  Joking man….once a week….joking man….or am I!!  Hmmmm

It’s a glorious feeling knowing that you have served a purpose for the day, you have made a difference, you have changed someones life.  Ok….exaggeration but you get the idea.

Walking out, with the hot wind in my hair, I see to the left of me, something coming at me fast….It’s coming straight for me in full force and with no signs of it slowing down.  Just to clarify to you all that I am no longer talking about sex night.  Are we clear on that.

I decide to face this – whatever it is – face on.  But I’m too slow, the heat has got to me.  Right there, right then I was face to face with a little arse punk skater boy.  When I say face to face, the brim of his hat grazed the top of my forehead.  Had I pursed my pouty luscious lips I think we would have kissed.  If I had said ‘ohh’ which would have formed my lips into that pouty luscious lips position we would have kissed.

It was lucky for him that I didn’t do the girly ‘ohh’ and rather came out the ‘What The Fuck’ otherwise I think he might have been crushing on me and bragging to all his skater crew about the kiss he got from the gorgeous 20 year woman with the luscious lips in the supermarket carpark (ok alright the 30+ year old hagged lady who needs a haircut (happening Thursday)….all minor details people, all minor details.

Little punk arse skater boy didn’t even flinch, simply wheeled away on his board without so much as a glance back.  Clearly he doesn’t realise who I am or was so totally embarrassed by his actions ….or he just ain’t no real skater boy!!

 

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Let me tell you about Kelly and her keys and the soup boxes three and the washing machine …. in Kellys week that was!!! (Title sung to the tune of ‘The Birds and The Bees’)

 

 

OMG what a big week we have had.  Sick children aside, I have stood outside in my underwear at 12:30 in morning trying to help my husband, who looked thuggish in his hooded top and tracksuit pants with no shoes break into my car because I locked the keys in it.  What a sight that would have been if the Google Earth van came around at that particular time.  At least Hubby wouldn’t have been able to be identified due to the hood covering his face.  Me on the other hand with my knickers and tank top (FYI wore the good knickers that day – Thank you….Thank you very much).

It all started at 11:00pm when I realised I didn’t know where my keys were.  This was just as we had prepared for bed and Hubby came out of the bathroom with his light saber in full sight (go one, you can surely guess what I mean by his light saber….quick hint…..it’s nothing to do with Star Wars).  It was then that I broke the news that I think my keys might be in the car.  He threw his ‘thugwear car breaking into’ outfit on and headed outside with me close behind….in my knickers and tank.  Sure enough, there twinkling in the torch light were my keys.  It was at this time that I got the giggles.  All I could think of was how I was going to put this in a blog post.  More giggles at the thought of thinking about giggling and then I couldn’t stop.

Let’s get the spare key….ummmm….what is this spare key thing you talk about then?

The key would have to be in a locked box we have….quick get the key to that….as it then dawned on us that we have in fact (by we I mean Hubby) lost the key to the locked box.  Time to forget the car and concentrate on the locked box key all whilst giggling (mostly the giggles were on the inside now as not sure Hubby would have joined my gigglefest).  ½ later….Ding ding ding….We found the locked box key.  This was a high five moment.   Like truly we high fived at midnight.  Quick grab the box.

Nope….no spare car key in there.  Grabbing a coat hanger and walking around the house to grab anything MaGyver like that could find and we headed back outside…..Long story short.  Thanks to my mother in law the keys were released the following morning.

After a day of work the following day I was glad to be able to tell my Hubby about the man who came to get the keys out.  Naturally, this was followed by my sudden urge to prove I could juggle.  I say naturally because that urge comes across everyone….often….doesn’t it….

No you say….Okay, moving on then.

Grabbing the closest thing that I could see three of, I grabbed the instant soup packets from the bench.  Sure enough after a few practise shots I had managed to get a solid 6 seconds of juggling in.  Please remember this was a three item juggle, not a simpleton two item toss around.  At the 6 second mark, as if in slow motion I leant forward to grab that box of soup but missed judged my timing (a common mistake from us jugglers).  I saw it tumble, I saw it turn and I saw it flip but there was nothing I could do.  It had passed the point of no return and it had its eye on its landing pad.  The landing pad was in fact my left breast.

I know I know, you are thinking but it was just a small instant soup box.  True but the impact of that box which happened to set itself up on the angle that would make sure it hit on the 2cm bottom corner and connect with my breast with this pointy angle was that of kicking a man in the balls.  Aunty Agony had arrived in town.  Unlike the men you see who drop to the floor and roll around, I was brave very brave!!  Being the juggling performer that I am not trained to be, the show must go on!!  With a smile and a nod I picked up my soup box, placed in on the bench and left the stage.  The agony is insane I tell you.  I will not however let this deter me from juggling.  The world needs more jugglers out there!!

Following on from the mention of sick children at the begining of this blog, I stay in on the Friday night with one of the kids.  As it is so cold, my eldest and I decided we will watch a movie in the bedroom.  She gets that set up and I put a load of washing one.  Ahhh time to relax.  Movie finished and my daughter heads out to get ready for bed.

‘Mum….you better come down here’ is the call I hear.  However being so warm in the bed I am not terribly enthused to jump out.

‘Why what’s wrong?’ I call out.

‘You just need to come down here’ OMG child stop with the riddles and just tell me what the problem is.  I’m not playing the hot and cold game.  I’m not playing the question game.  Just tell me what is wrong.

‘Seriously just come down here Mum!!’

So out I get and head down to see a river of water.  Ok not a river but an ocean of water.  That’s fine I can handle that.  I get out my dingy and oar and head around the corner to the kids bedrooms. OMG WTF!!  Water everywhere.  Under beds, under dressing tables, under tall boys, absolutely FUCKING (sorry Mum and Dad) EVERYWHERE!!  I burst into tears because hey what’s a few more litres of water – and it felt like I cried litres.  Have I ever mentioned before that I am an ugly cryer….

Call my husband to tell him to come straight home from Netball because he usually hangs around after each game to chat.  Didn’t realise his game was still on.  He didn’t take too well to the ‘come straight home when you are finished’.  Things get a bit heated and he hung up on me.  More tears.  The neighbour then happened to call to say she was bringing some pies over.  More tears.  Then she comes over with pies.  More tears.  She goes to survey the damage.  I see it again and guess what….more fucking tears.  I’m cried out, nobody loves me and I might as well go eat worms – See what I did there.  Great book that one from back when I was a kid.

Husband gets home – neighbour leaves – shows him the pies first – men love food so I think that might have took the pressure off me J then all hands on deck.  Every towel in the house out of the cupboard and we start the stomp dance.  Although there is no music and definitely no conversation happening and will never be happening again because at that very moment I was never speaking to my husband EVER again.  Never would I speak to him.  It would be tough living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed but not a word was ever going to be directed at him again!!  However 5 minutes later I forgot about that decision DAMN it!!

Managed to call a carpet man out, who got to work quick fast and managed to help us save the carpets!!

As I stand here now, I look around at all the crusty old – will never use them again quilt cover sets that I have collected over the years.  The kids One Direction and Fairies quilt cover sets that they would never in a million years let me put on their beds again.  So one good thing that has come out of this is the clean up that  I have been forced into doing along with the 6 odd socks that I found and none of them are pairs!!!!  How does that happen.

So that was the week that was for Kelly!!

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Swept up in a lie!!

I was approached by a lady at work the other day.  She completely bee-lined for me, like she knew me.

She came at me with an ‘eye on the prize’ look in her eye.  She wanted to speak with me and nothing was going to stop her.

‘Hi’ I said to her before she had the chance to speak to me.  I wanted control of this conversation so I needed to get in first.

‘Well don’t you have a lovely voice’ she complimented me.

Puffing my chest out and feeling mighty impressed with this statement, I returned with ‘I like to think so’.

This is where I expected the conversation to turn to something work related.  However, I was mistaken and this is the point that I officially became a liar.

In my defense I would like to say that I simply got carried away and swept up in the moment of it all.

Her response was ‘You did so well at the local quartet the other night, just wonderful’

Me – ‘Thank you’

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Lady (aka Fan of mine) – ‘I bet is was hard to hear yourself over everyone else?’

Me (aka Super Star) – ‘yes it was!’. This is when panic started to set in….

Lady – ‘Well you did really well….(something else something else)’….couldn’t make out what she said because I had gone into panic about the fact that I was not who she thought I was and I had gone too far in this lie to come back from.

I had to get out of there.  What to do, what to do?

Hand pointingPoint at someone and say ‘Oh look they are calling me, I’ll just go see what they want’….

Then as any top grade star would do….

I exited Stage Right 🙂

Posted in Let me share

A Letter to the car load of young men that yelled out the window to the fat lady walking along the street – ME

Dear young, immature and rude men,

Before we start, I would like to let you know that I am not one to usually shy away from attention.  I love a good laugh, love to make other people laugh and enjoy the company of friends and family.  If there is a party, I’ll be there.  I love to host bbq’s and pizza nights at home and  really enjoy sitting back and chatting with our guests after the cooking has been done.

Do you have a home that you have worked hard for or are you still living with the parents on a single bed with posters still on your walls?


I am community minded and strongly involved in my children’s sport.  Spending a lot of my spare time at the sports club coaching, fundraising, event planning and helping in any way that I can.

What have you done this week to help in the community?


I also have a job that at times can be stressful and puts me on the receiving end of verbal abuse that has allowed me to become resilient and taught me skills in people handing.  Did I mention I have held the same job for almost 22 years?

Do you work?  


Once that job is finished, it’s time to kick into Mum mode and make sure the shopping is done, tea is cooked and everyone is where they need to be on time.  THEN pick them up and head home for bedtime.

Are you accountable to anyone other than yourself or does Mum still wash your clothes and cook for you?


Not only do I cram all of the above into my week, I also run my own business that has me sitting at the computer each night, tapping away at the keyboard, responding to emails and working my arse off to try get some extra money for my family.

Can you imagine that?  Two paying jobs and then also volunteering!


That brings me to my weight.  There is no denying that I am overweight.  Never argued with that. However, I have made the conscious decision to change that.  I have dedicated myself to taking time out of my busy days and getting out there and walking.  If we are early for an appointment, I will get out and walk around the block.  I take my sneakers to work and head out in my lunch break.  I get up early and go for a walk.  I park at the shops and walk 20 minutes to the club.  Drop one kid off, pick the other up and walk back to car.

You probably don’t remember the time our paths crossed not so long ago.  In fact I can guarantee you most likely forgot about our meeting less that 500 meters down the road. But it has stuck with me all week.  Played on my mind and now makes me angry.  Walking with my daughter, your head hanging out the car window and you yelling out to me, laughing and your mates cracking up in the back!!  My daughter didn’t see or hear and luckily because of traffic noise I couldn’t hear it all either.  Because of this I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you were yelling out ‘Hey Lady, good job.  Keep it up!!’  or ‘Hey Lady.  You are doing amazing.  So proud of you!!’

Never assume by looking at someone that they are lazy and no good.  I can feel happy in myself knowing that I am by far, based on your actions, a nicer person than you.  You don’t have to physically hit or knock someone to hurt them.  Words can can just as deep.

I am committed to getting fitter and healthier and I WILL NOT let shitty little men like yourself knock me down.  Maybe think twice before you allow your mouth to spit out hurtful words to people you know nothing about.

Yours sincerely

The active Lady you saw walking down the street.

Posted in Can you Relate?

We have all been there Mate!!

Driving to work this morning, cruising with the window down, wind in my hair and the beats pumping, there was a car parked on the side of the road that caught my eye.

Poor guy in his fluro orange vest was bending over on the side of the road ‘chucking his guts up’ ‘Ralphing’ ‘Barfing’ or for those not up to date with the urban dictionary of slang….VOMITING.

Waiting in the car was the driver who weirdly was sitting with one hand on the steering wheel watching his mate – weird….maybe….taking the piss out of his mate….highly likely!!

Poor guy must have had a big weekend but still had the guts (although he was throwing it up) to head to work.

So after having a chuckle to myself as I was driving past, it made me remember a time….oh to recently….that I was in the same shape.  Although for the record, I was not wearing a fluro orange vest!!

It was a Saturday night and I was at a cousins engagement party.  One drink and another and another and another!!  The husband (or prison warden is what seemed more appropriate to me at that particular time) was reminding me that we had to leave as we had to be out early for Mother’s Day breakfast the next morning.

Getting all ‘tough and stuff’ I opted for the old ‘One Last Drink’ trick!!

Now don’t get me wrong and don’t make assumptions, I was by no means ‘out of control’ or ‘on my ear’ I was happy and chatty and VERY hungry.  So imagine the 2 year old tantrum I threw when The Prison Warden wouldn’t stop for a cheese burger.

Once we were home, it was straight to bed ready to wake up for a yummy breakfast…..

Birds chirping, sun shining and soft music playing….ok not really.  There was no music.  As this was Mother’s Day we had planned to head to the hills for a glorious breakfast with hubby’s mum and sisters family.  I got out of bed, showered, did my hair and make-up (paused for a moment, took a good hard look at myself in the mirror and told myself to ‘suck it up….you got this!!’) drunk a shit load of water – not enough that I would need a toilet stop….public toilets BLURGH that a whole new blog post and off we went.

Stupidly forgetting the cheese burger episode last night, I sat back and agreed with my thoughts that this would be a piece of cake drive.  Might even be able to nod of for half and hour before we get there.

Oh no no no!!!!  Silly silly girl.  The husband (Prison Warden) was not a happy chappy to say the least.  My time spent in the morning getting all pretty allowed him an opportunity to plot his revenge….Mwah ha ha ha ha….

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After stopping to pick up the Mother-in-law we started out journey….but in the opposite direction that I would have gone should I have been driving.  With the Mother-in-law in the back, we were headed for the hills!!

The hilly hills.

The windy curvy roads that take you to the hills!!

I started to feel a bit unwell….and the squirming in the seat started.  I kept telling myself –

‘You got this’

‘Don’t let him win’

‘Remember this for future reference’

Then it happened.  You know that feeling you get when you know it’s coming.  That build up and there is no going back.   Yup – We have all been there Mate.

Telling hubby he needs to pull over, I swung that door open as soon as we stopped.  Automatically thinking that the back side of the car was the most appropriate spot to (this bit took me a while to write, with alot of time spent with the Thesaurus trying to find a nicer word to use….I got nothing!) vomit, spew, ralph, purge and barf.  Take your pick.

Doing the old ‘sigh’ at the relief of feeling better it was all out.  I stood up….took a nice deep inhale of the country air….and there she was.  I just did my business less that 30cm from the window where my Mother-in-Law was sitting on the other side.

A polite little smile and it was back in the car for me.  Thinking that was it, I settled in ready for breakfast….until round two hit….

After round two I was back in the game and secured my spot at the table with an amazing service of eggs benedict!!

Mmmmm Eggs Benedict!!!!